How to Survive a Catastrophe
Pack light. You’ll want to bring your favorite cousin or warmest sweater. But if you have to choose, do what you need to do. No one will judge you.
Learn another language. You’ll be amazed at all the new ways to express your unfathomable depression in French (je suis très triste), your rage in Italian (fanculo!), and your grief in English (five scoops of your finest cookie dough, please). Recent studies show that bilinguals have a greater capacity for napkin math, a deep desire for complex tastes, and more than 75% experience emotions that cannot be expressed in either language.
Pray. Despite popular belief, leading research proves that it actually doesn’t really matter what god you pray to. Like cashiers in a checkout line, all gods, including the One True God, is and are available at all times! Of course, if you have a preference or a pre-existing relationship, by all means, you do you. But please know God is on hold and standing by.
Join a Support Group. There are so many people who have survived a catastrophe — losing a favorite cousin or losing your warmest sweater, or losing your cousin’s favorite warmest sweater (which was not yours but you really wanted to borrow it and then you lost it and you feel TERRIBLE and you’ve been avoiding them but now you’re just going to fess up. It’s not a catastrophe. You can do hard things). Being in community and vulnerable will make your heart gooey and full.
Ask a Palestinian. Any Palestinian will do, of any age and any percentage — full, half, a quarter, 2%. It’s in the blood. They’ve survived not one, not two, but are currently in the midst of another. And it’s on the TELLY even! Palestinians are so good at surviving catastrophes like sea otters and blue whales and Donald Trump and avocados. YES, AVOCADOS ARE ON THE ENDANGERED LIST. Some scientists fear that they will be gone by 2050. Gasp. Please call your representatives. This is serious.
Make hummus. 1 can chickpeas drained. 1 lemon juiced. 1/4th cup tahini. 1/4 tsp cumin. 3 tbls olive oil, dash of paprika, and salt to taste. Blend. Breathe. Taste. Add water. Blend. Breathe. Taste. Add a little more tahini. Blend. Breathe. Let go of something. Taste. Repeat as many times as needed. Pour into a dish, and smooth with the back of a spoon. Drizzle with oil. Add fresh parsley. Invite your neighbor over and ask them to taste it. Adjust the recipe. Repeat the same steps together. Blend. Breathe. Taste. When the catastrophe happens, you’ll likely need your neighbor more than you’ve ever needed anyone or anything else.
Get a foot massage. We will die sooner or later, by natural means or in a painful slow drawn-out process like a butoh performer’s final scene. So seek out the good times, every single day, especially on the crappiest of days. This has been an awful week. Find something to love. Start with you.
